ME – By Busisiwe Cijisiwe

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middle aged couple having a disagreement

 

It’s basically my daily routine I’m starting to get the hang of it

Last night was different he wasn’t his usual self

But last night was not like before. He was unsettled by something

And I know it was my fault, who else could cause him distress but me.

He didn’t yell for a change but instead he just looked at me in disgust and walked away

I felt a deep sharp pain penetrating through all my being . Its funny how I was expecting something and instead I got nothing. I tried to follow him to much irritation but he just looked at me and kept walking not a word again.

Somehow I was suddenly craving the pain he causes me everyday. I felt the urge to beg for it but could not bring myself to do it. Last night he did not again and the pain just deepened

I have lost myself so much into the pain I fail to realize my value in him no more

I am a victim of my well being . Is it so wrong for me to want him to hurt me even though I know I don’t deserve it . The ribs , jaws and bones he may break may never be the same again.

The emotional scars may never heal no matter what I do

The fear of a man in my mind and eyes may never be erased because he purposely implemented them so they stay there and I know exactly I deserve the pain

I love my man so much I have put up a front for him more than me to all those who care to see

I refuse to be a statistic but much to my realization I already am one and that scares me.

Because this is ME!.